As told by the woman who wouldn't let him get away with it.
R. Kelly walked out of an interview last week, deciding to ditch HuffPost Live host Caroline Modarressy-Tehrani rather than speak to numerous allegations that he's assaulted young women. Luckily, he stuck around long enough to give Modarressy-Tehrani the chance to teach women of the world a lesson in how to handle misogynistic nightmares.
Kelly was on set to promote his latest project, The Buffet, which he, at first, seemed happy to do—until Modarresy-Tehrani brought up its low sales and wondered whether rumors of his repeated sexual misconduct had cost him fans. She pressed him, repeating her questions while he talked over her. "I didn't come here for negative. I came here for positivity, and I don't give people who have negativity towards me the time of day," he said, promising to talk to her "like the beautiful lady [she is]."
For all the provocation, Modarressy-Tehrani stayed calm. And as soon as it became obvious that she wouldn't be deterred, Kelly stood up to leave.
"Thank you so much, you're so beautiful," he said.
"You don't have to comment on my appearance, sir," she reminded him. The exchange is almost unbelievable. And yet Modarressy-Tehrani points out that most women have experienced what she did—a man who is determined to silence a "problematic" woman.
As host of HuffPost Live's weekly #WMN show, Modarressy-Tehrani has made it her business to stay loud. "Every week, that's what we do," she says. "We try to tell stories about doulas and activists and just brave women who are doing amazing work." Inspired by her determination to make herself heard, we spoke to Modarressy-Tehrani yesterday to get some pointers on how to deal with the R. Kellys of the world.
Stay calm
While it's tempting to throw heavy objects and several punches at men who would rather women be seen and not heard, Modarressy-Tehrani insists, laughing, that "violence is never the answer."
"It's easy to feel that you have to hit back with the energy or force that someone is putting out there to you," she says. "But you don't always have to. You're stronger when you're not responding to that person or reacting to that person but acting on your own accord."
Know your power
"Not just in this interview, but throughout women's lives there are moments and instances in which men feel they are able to exert power over women because of their physicality or because of some inherent aggression. But women have power. Every woman has power," she says. "Don't lose sight of that. When someone is talking over you—maybe it's your boss, maybe you're in a conference room and someone is interrupting you and shouting over you—remember that you have power and worth and value."
"No one should ever make you feel that your voice doesn't matter," she adds later. "I hope that we do that for all women—each time we have the show—to reinforce the fact that their voices matter. Women's voices matter. We should all feel the capacity to be bold and to know that our boldness is a strength."
Remember why you're here
It's "f–king hard" to keep a level head when someone is trying to intimidate you, Modarressy-Tehrani admits. But the best advice she has to give is to remember "why you're doing what you're doing."
"In a moment like that, you have to remember what you're about," she says. "In that specific interview, I knew that I wasn't in a situation where I wanted to get the better of someone. I knew that my job in that moment was to ask a question and I just refused to stop until I did that."
"Maybe I sound so soapbox-y," she continues. "But I really believe that with our voices, we're able to shine a light on so many important issues. We have to celebrate the amazing moments. And when the time comes for it, we have to be ready for a fight."
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